This is the diary of a woman who could and did.
I'm 48 years old and somewhat eccentric.
This is my view of life, as I see it.
God I'm lost, I really have no idea what the f•ck I am meant to be doing with my life. So, I'm simply putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it takes me.
I'm scared of the 'nothingness', of squandering my time here, of missing my lessons, ,my experiences, my purpose. It's the fear of being someone who could off but didn't, that drives me to keep looking, to stay curious, to push my vulnerability as far as it will go - to move beyond the fear. Because I'm determined that simply staying scared, will not be my answer.
It doesn’t matter how much time or money you invest in yourself, if you are living a life based on fear, you will never be who you are meant to be. Fear constrains you and pollutes your soul. If you really want to make the most of life, you have to move beyond fear to love and it really is as simple as that.
The day you stop giving a sh•t about yourself, about life and about others, is the day you are f•cked. Just like we need air to breath, we need hope to feel, to want to live, to be able to function, in any meaningful kind of way. It's our guiding light, without it we are screwed. So, whatever happens, do not loose hope and do not stop giving a sh•t - if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for someone or something else. Just do whatever it is, you need to do, to hang onto hope.
I believe that life is a out getting to know yourself and then doing something meaningful with it. Getting to know yourself isn't simply about reading a self help book, it's about facing the hard stuff - your truth, your secrets, your regrets, your thoughts, your fears and your wounds. It's not an easy journey, but a very necessary one, if you are serious about being you.
I get really sick and tired of people telling me I am too sensitive, or that I take things too personally. Well, unless I've had a lobotomy, it's always going to bother me, if your being an insensitive tw•t. It might be worthwhile checking your lack of sensitivity, before accusing someone else of, having too much of it.
I've just realised what my daily posts are really about. They are love letters to you, to be you. They are a daily reminder to embrace who we are, warts and all, to always choose love over fear, to face our truth and to see beyond the bullsh•t, to make our own reality. No one gives a sh•t about judgement, status or fitting in on their death bed, so don't waste your time on it now.
Trying to avoid loss, hurt, rejection and failure is 1) a complete waste of time and 2) seriously harmful to our sanity, health and happiness. Without facing our uncomfortable truths, we cannot possibly hope to understand ourselves. We just keep wandering aimlessly through life, never satisfied, always searching for our 'thing' and then end up completely p•ssed off, when our times up and we wonder what the f•ck we have achieved with our life.
You don't have to defend your truth, it just is. It's not subjective, open to interpretation or manipulation. It cannot be owned or taken by anyone else. The only person who can screw it over, is you, so don't. Be brave, shake your world until only the truth remains and then make sure you do something worthwhile with it.
I hate the fact that people think they can sit in their ivory towers and dish out feedback, with no thought or care, of the impact it has on people. Well you can't - it's not fair, it's not valid and it's not going to be tolerated any more - certainly not by me, nor I hope, by you either. If you want me to give a sh•t about what you say, then get your arse in the arena with me and have a god damn conversation.
I often wonder, whether choosing to share myself so publicly, has screwed my professional reputation. But then I remember when I had a 'professional reputation' and how much I had to screw myself and others to keep it. And that reminds me why I decided to 'show up and own up', as me instead, warts and all. And then it all feels ok again.
When did society become so small minded, intolerant and judgemental about the youth of today? Have we really forgotten the energy, creativity and rebellion we all went through? Such negativity with so little focus on solutions - channel their rebellion, feed their curiosity and create safe boundaries. And please just stop being such judgemental arseholes.
Grief is sh•t, there's no point pretending otherwise. It will be the hardest thing you ever have to learn to live with. But the irony is, until you experience it, you have not fully lived.