This is the diary of a woman who could and did.
I'm 49 years old and somewhat eccentric.
This is my view of life, as I see it.
I've been hibernating, losing interest in life generally and sleeping a lot. There was a crack in the darkness yesterday, which finally resulted in walking the dogs, here's hoping it will last, but let's face it, when we are forced to live in conflict with our needs, it's bound to happen.
I've realised what the problem has been - I'd lost hope and some sense of control over my circumstances. One email yesterday asking for volunteers for the national vaccination programme made all of the difference - I've volunteered, I can make a difference.
Oh what joy, some motivation has returned today - managed to do some long overdue paperwork and face reality a little more. Let's see how long my proactive engagement with the world will last, sadly still no creative streak though.
Nothing to say, I simply cannot be arsed with anything. Grumpy as f*ck - I'm even arguing with myself ffs. But tomorrow is a new day and it's the last day of home schooling, hurray.
I'm done with the fear. I've decided to home school the kids for the next few days, to avoid another self-isolation over Christmas. We are retreating to our bubble, a we wait for this to pass. You have to pick your battles and this is not one I have the energy to fight anymore.
The fear is so bad today, I feel physically sick. Another child of school having to self isolate, as a teacher has tested positive. Constant wiping down and checking temperatures. The awful burden of responsibility lest we are carriers of this sh*t pandemic and spread it without knowing we are doing so.
I can honestly say this is the first Christmas I'm not really looking forward to. My Christmas has always been about family and this year I can only see a very small portion of them - it doesn't matter why that is, it is just really f*cking hard, no matter which way you look at it.
We are still effectively in lockdown. It is getting harder and harder to motivate ourselves to do anything. The tiredness is extreme, the lack of motivation unnatural and the level of anxiety we are surrounded by is palpable. It really does feel like something has to change and soon before we all keel over.
We may cure this pandemic and protect those who are most vulnerable, but what about those we have made more vulnerable through poverty, depression, abuse and inequality? Who is racing against the clock to save them?
No one can live in a society built on fear - there has to be a better way, because otherwise we have no way.
Loneliness, one of the biggest killers in the world and we have just created a whole new level of it. Luckily we don't need money or status to solve this, just each other.