This is the diary of a woman who could and did.
I'm 48 years old and somewhat eccentric.
This is my view of life, as I see it.
The liberation of the holidays, perversely even more liberating than usual, by not actually going on holiday. Sometimes I do wonder if we create the cages we live in, all by ourselves.
What joy, the exhaustion and irritability of the last few days is beginning to lift. The fog that descends as my hormones compete with each other is grumpy as f*ck. Thank god they have stopped fighting.
I simply cannot be arsed - with anything. The irony of lockdown - when we were forced into it, it went against all of our natural instincts and now we are being asked to come out of it, it requires too much effort to fight the anxiety to do so.
They say you should never loose your sense of wonder. I certainly haven't. I am constantly amazed by how many inadequate twats, are in so many positions of power and influence. So many lions led by donkeys.
Christ the ego can be a pain in the arse. She constantly tugs at your sleeve, urging you to see the worst in people and fear the worst in life. I may not be able to get her to f*ck off, but she can sure as hell shut the f*ck up.
Sh*t, it's been over 3 months since my last entry. The world went mad and, honestly, so did I. A global pandemic, the end of life as we knew it - fear, death and uncertainty. And I had to home school 3 children - basically, I retreated to my cave, thank f*ck for summer holidays.
If appears that the world has gone mad - or has it? We are isolated by a global pandemic, nothing is as it should be, or perhaps everything is as it should be. Who knows. It's scary, surreal, somewhat liberating and a call for the humanity to finally come together as one.
I don't have secrets, just truths I am slowly but surely sharing. And that means shame cannot control me, fear cannot shut me down and judgement cannot stick. I answer to my soul and no one else's and neither should you. Own your story and face your truth.
It's been a while since my last entry. I've been in a hormonal dip for much of it. During these times, simply getting out of bed takes all of my energy. Life loses it allure and I retreat somewhere deep inside of myself. And then, without warning the veil lifts and I'm free to live life once again. That's the menopause
There's only one way to really tackle sigma and that's to share your story, truthfully. Because if not, all we are doing is sharing rhetoric - people relate to people, their struggles, their vulnerability, not idealised words without content. So, I will continue to tell mine.
What if I'm wrong? What if the way I see things is not true? What if it's years of hurt and the ego rising up to protect me, that have created my perspective? Well, that's sad but not the end of the world. But what if I'm right and I did nothing? Well, that is the end of the world for me, so I'm going to keep going.
I am so sick and tired of people sprouting off about their utopian values and then demonstrating nothing more than self-serving, ego centric focused behaviours - often at the cost of some poor bast•rd who believed them. Just be honest about what your values really are, FFS.
Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm not. It just all feels a bit sh•tty, out of control and bleak right now. You see, I'm grieving for the life I thought I would have at 48 years old - the financial security, the achievements, the purpose. Ultimately, I know this will be a good thing, I just don't know why yet.
I'm the product of a completely f•cked up world. I have a wardrobe bursting with sh•t I don't need, brought to distract myself from sh•t I cannot face. I have no money to buy oil for heating this week, nor pay the football and swimming subs. And I simply cannot hold my sh•t together. Where the f•ck did it all go wrong?
People will disappoint and hurt you. That happens when you trust and love. But hurt can be healed if you look at it, understand it and be kind to it. Hurt cannot be healed if you hide it, blame yourself for it or loose your belief in humanity because of it. Feel the hurt but don't be the hurt.
The bravest thing I have ever done is allow myself to love and be loved. It's also the most vulnerable place I've ever been. Love can either make you or break you, there is no in between. It broke me once and I thought I would never be brave enough to try again, but I was and I am so very pleased I did.
I've decided that being lost is ok. Because if not, I've got a lot of worrying to do about being lost, which will simply exacerbate the worry about being lost. I just need to get up each day and be the best version of me that I can. And on that basis, I'm sure I won't stay lost for long.