This is the diary of a woman who could and did.
I'm 48 years old and somewhat eccentric.
This is my view of life, as I see it.
Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm not. It just all feels a bit sh•tty, out of control and bleak right now. You see, I'm grieving for the life I thought I would have at 48 years old - the financial security, the achievements, the purpose. Ultimately, I know this will be a good thing, I just don't know why yet.
I'm the product of a completely f•cked up world. I have a wardrobe bursting with sh•t I don't need, brought to distract myself from sh•t I cannot face. I have no money to buy oil for heating this week, nor pay the football and swimming subs. And I simply cannot hold my sh•t together. Where the f•ck did it all go wrong?
People will disappoint and hurt you. That happens when you trust and love. But hurt can be healed if you look at it, understand it and be kind to it. Hurt cannot be healed if you hide it, blame yourself for it or loose your belief in humanity because of it. Feel the hurt but don't be the hurt.
The bravest thing I have ever done is allow myself to love and be loved. It's also the most vulnerable place I've ever been. Love can either make you or break you, there is no in between. It broke me once and I thought I would never be brave enough to try again, but I was and I am so very pleased I did.
I've decided that being lost is ok. Because if not, I've got a lot of worrying to do about being lost, which will simply exacerbate the worry about being lost. I just need to get up each day and be the best version of me that I can. And on that basis, I'm sure I won't stay lost for long.
What happens if someone does not like me? Nothing. You are still who you were beforehand. You just need to be a little more discerning about who you give your time and energy to. Never allow someone else to define you.
I would challenge our perspective on mental health. I think we are having a mass awakening to the needs of the human spirit, that have been ignored and abused for too long. Our minds are trying to tell us all, that the way we live is not sustainable. Our foundations are built on fear when they so need to built on love.
Sometimes you get feedback that really gets under your skin. We are taught that this is because it must be true, we are resisting it because our ego is rearing up, to protect us. Well, I think it can also be because it is not true, it is trying to change the very heart of us and in these circumstances, it simply re-enforces my determination, to be exactly who I am meant to be.
I cried when I told my children the results of the election yesterday. I cried because I cannot bear to see homeless people around every corner, because we are continuing to sh*t on our planet, because the angels that run our NHS deserve better and because we are failing our most vulnerable. FFS we have to do better.
God I'm lost, I really have no idea what the f•ck I am meant to be doing with my life. So, I'm simply putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it takes me.
I'm scared of the 'nothingness', of squandering my time here, of missing my lessons, ,my experiences, my purpose. It's the fear of being someone who could off but didn't, that drives me to keep looking, to stay curious, to push my vulnerability as far as it will go - to move beyond the fear. Because I'm determined that simply staying scared, will not be my answer.
It doesn’t matter how much time or money you invest in yourself, if you are living a life based on fear, you will never be who you are meant to be. Fear constrains you and pollutes your soul. If you really want to make the most of life, you have to move beyond fear to love and it really is as simple as that.
The day you stop giving a sh•t about yourself, about life and about others, is the day you are f•cked. Just like we need air to breath, we need hope to feel, to want to live, to be able to function, in any meaningful kind of way. It's our guiding light, without it we are screwed. So, whatever happens, do not loose hope and do not stop giving a sh•t - if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for someone or something else. Just do whatever it is, you need to do, to hang onto hope.
I believe that life is a out getting to know yourself and then doing something meaningful with it. Getting to know yourself isn't simply about reading a self help book, it's about facing the hard stuff - your truth, your secrets, your regrets, your thoughts, your fears and your wounds. It's not an easy journey, but a very necessary one, if you are serious about being you.